The four brothers walked into old man  Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most  exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They  persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited  and invited them back to the office, where he offered  them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, ‘The  Goldberg
Air-Conditioner,’ on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was  more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no  way he was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million
Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two  hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this  day, all Ford air conditioners show — Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max — on the controls.

(thanks RPalm)

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And,
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it’s the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.

(thanks Becki)

TEACHER:   John,   why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:   You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell  ‘crocodile?’  GLENN:   K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER:  No,  that’s wrong
GLENN:  Maybe it is wrong,  but you asked me how I spell it.   (I  Love  this kid)

TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula  for water?
DONALD:   H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking  about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years  ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:  Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER:  Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I.. ‘
MILLIE: I  is..
TEACHER: No,  Millie….. Always say, ‘I  am.’
MILLIE:All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

TEACHER:  George Washington not only chopped down  his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted  it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand

TEACHER: Now,  Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers  before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t  have to, my Mom is a good  cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :  No, sir. It’s the same  dog.

TEACHER:   Harold, what do you call a person who  keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

(Stolen from Bits & Pieces)

And then the fight started…

******************************************

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ”Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different  anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ”I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started…..

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started….

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?””

Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…

A woman was shopping at her neighborhood grocery store where she put the following items in her basket:

One dozen large eggs,

One pound of Swiss cheese,

One box of brownie mix,

One twelve pack of soda,

Two pounds of coffee,

One gallon of whole milk.

As she was placed her items on the conveyor belt at the checkout, a drunk man standing behind her watched very closely. As the cashier was totaling her items, the drunk calmly said,”You must be single.”

The woman was taken off guard, but she was intrigued by the drunks prediction, since she was in fact a single girl. She looked at her food items on the counter and saw nothing unusual about her purchase that could have informed the drunk that she was single. Curiously, she said “Yes, you’re right. But how in the world did you know that?”

The drunk slurred, “‘Because you’re ugly.”

• 8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
• 9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
• 9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
• 10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
• 12:00 pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!
• 1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
• 3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
• 5:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
• 7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
• 8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
• 11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow – but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now …